Here I am again, a few days post-surgery, arguably, at the worst spot you can be (in terms of physical and mental pain) in recovery and I'm still in the dark. For the last two weeks leading up to what I hoped would be definitive treatment for my anal fistula, I started to feel soreness around my perianal area. For those of you non-fistula sufferers, that's the area around your anus and taint - like the bottom of your butt cheek. I knew something was wrong, I went to see my surgeon's NP and she wasn't able to feel any swelling or collection which made me hopeful that it was nerves regenerating but deep down I knew it wasn't right.
On the day of the surgery, I went in to the hospital still holding onto the hope that the soreness was nerves regenerating, so I was disappointed when my CRS told me that I'm beyond the point of "this is normal" and that she wants me to go see a GI for additional testing. As it turns out, despite having a colonoscopy in December, you can have a healthy rectum and digestive tract but can have a form of crohn's that manifests itself through fistula tracts and abscesses. The worst part of having perianal disease (crohn's) is the idea that I could potentially deal with flare-ups of this shit for the rest of my life.
Before I was rolled into surgery, the anesthesiologist gave me the drug cocktail which they love to equate to a margarita and despite feeling dangerously calm and numb, I was crying from disappointment. Not ugly crying or calm, three month long relationship break up cry on reality TV style, but water coming out of my eyes with my brain knowing I'm disappointed but not feeling the sadness or despair that comes with it.
When I woke up from surgery and the "margarita" wore off and I could not stop crying. I don't think I've ever felt this disappointed in my life, or at least since Yolanda (Hadid) Foster left RHOBH. It certainly didn't help that it felt like there was a very large item in my ass that felt like it was going to tear me in half. My surgeon told me that she found another area of swelling that is now an open wound and that she merged two setons into one. My left ass cheek now looks like Deadpool's face (without the mask) because I have so much scar tissue.
Overall, this surgery is certainly less painful than my other ones, but I'm feeling completely emotionally burnt out. On the way to my surgery, I looked at people walking on the street and felt envious. While they all deal with their own health problems and life struggles, odds are that they are not dealing with THIS. I feel so alone. I look healthy and I'm able-bodied, but every part of my life and what I do is controlled by my butt. I even get bored of complaining about how unhappy this has made me because there is just no point in continuously repeating how disappointed I am. You ONLY YOLO ONCE and the last year of my life has been spent in limbo.
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